When Abby and I say our prayers at night, I say a set prayer over her and she says a less formal prayer to God each night. I will prompt her by asking about someone she knows that is sick or missed school that day or a friend she saw that she wants to thank God for. One night, out of the blue, she prayed for God to put a baby in my belly. We giggled about it and while she brought it up a few times after that, it always appeared to be a fun little poke to make me laugh. I even joked about it on Facebook saying, "uh-oh!".
Today after church Abby's Sunday school teacher stopped me to let me know that while discussing prayer, Abby told her she keeps asking for God to put a baby in Momma's belly and he hasn't answered her, essentially saying no. Her teacher handled it well and I'm so proud of Abby for speaking something so sincere and serious with her teacher. But I also was surprised as I had no idea how much this was really on her heart.
This afternoon I laid down with her and asked her if she was sad she didn't have a brother or sister and she told me she was and prays everyday for God to put a baby in Momma's belly. Gulp. This is real to her. God isn't answering her. He didn't answer me one day long ago. I was an adult and it was confusing and sucked.
Luckily, I know more know about God today and in talking to her teacher this morning was able to enforce to Abby exactly what she was told- God still hears you. God loves you. And sometimes, his answer is no. Abby put a big smile on her face telling me that is what Ms. Kristi said. It was suddenly true to her because she heard it from two different people she knows and trusts.
I explained to Abby that I had prayed for a baby for a long time and was so happy when God answered my prayer with her, but now my body is older and God would probably say no because I am so much older and it wouldn't be good for my body.
Abby knows how special she is, that we wanted her for a long time and that we prayed for her and it took big miracles from God through special doctors to make her ours. She can tell you more about infertility than most kids. She knows she had a twin that was never born. I have never hidden my infertility from friends, family or Abby. So, we've told her a lot.
Marcus was the first to be content with only one child. It took me much longer and honestly I was okay with it until I started imagining my fall without Abby at home. I am ready for her to go to Kindergarten and I know she will be great at making friends and learning. I am sadder for me. Who will I eat lunch with? I don't really qualify for play dates anymore and most of my friends will still have kids at home. My job gives me flexibility to work from home, so entering an office environment isn't necessary.
Having only one child makes kindergarten hard- you leave the only parenting world you have known to enter a world you don't know at all. At least with more than one child you can have the comfort of the world you know while learning a new world. It ALMOST makes me want another child. Almost.
I am hopeful what Abby learned today isn't about having a baby brother or sister, but is more about God hearing her, loving her, and answering prayers with a yes, no, or wait. I have no doubt that He will tell her yes, no or wait many times in her life and that is the bigger lesson for us all.
I have multiple friends struggling to get pregnant right now. My heart breaks for them as I can remember that pain of God saying wait and deep down wondering if wait meant no. If this is you, I'm praying for you and praying that whatever God's answer is, He will deliver it with the comfort and peace that only He can.